I am in the process of whole-heartedly embracing my true identity and the value in being God’s beloved. Acceptance . . .my responsibility of my past actions . . .the person I’ve become in Christ . . .the person that I am able to visually face before the mirror, daily.
As I reflect on the roles that I’ve played; like the role of the Super-mom, Daughter, Student, Friend,
Wife, and “Mrs. Got-it-all-together-Lady all dressed up in fake smiles, I realize I was trapped in a dark castle of people pleasing and floated in a small world after all. Lies ate away at my conscience back then . . .lies.
Somewhere in my story I believed I was flawed. So lost within, I listened to the liars and morphed into characters of a devilish fairytale. My dreams of being fully loved broke down and my closest relationships malfunctioned. On the outside, I pretended. I was so put together, but in my heart I knew everything was slowly coming undone. Denial. I wanted a perfect relationship, but it was never perfect from the beginning. The warning signs were blinding my vision.
I wish I knew then what I have come to embrace now . . .the rain of truth. Perhaps my daughter would be alive today. I failed her. I was supposed to protect her, not the opposite. God forgive me.
While in college, I read poets like Henry David Thoreau. He wrote, “Most men live lives of quiet desperation and go to their grave with the song still in them.” I didn’t value the meaning of that, until recently.
In my desperation to please many, I started to lose my own sense of being. And, in the process, I started to disappear! Although others played a role in contributing to the insanity, the reality is my own hands are forever stained by the ultimate demise of my only child. If I could take anything back it would be that day – the day of the crime.
During my trial, I never once uttered a word because it was my responsibility to take the blame. What the world tried to silence I believe Jesus is asking me to sing – now. Through God’s word, I am reminded that I am the “ Pearl of great price and the magnificent treasure hidden in the field.”
Acceptance comes when I finally believe God accepts me, forgives me, loves me. Now more than ever I am willing to take the risk to even accept myself. My audacity is that I feel safe in my own skin and no longer live in quiet desperation striving to measure up.