LIFE
by Eulie

Destined to survive

Despite my own intentions.

Who in their right mind

Would attempt to disturb

The appointed time?

So when did death

Become an issue?

Depression slithered 

and coiled into my heart.

Weeds and thorns of confusion

Dominated each decision.

Logical reasoning

Was choked out of my life.

Paranoia rested its head

With a butcher knife

Under my pillow.

Hatred was disguised

With inviting smiles.

A toast to the bride and groom.

May it end, ever so soon!

No one in his family

Really knew me.

Only the person I tried to be

For all of them.

Committed to a matrimony

Plagued by deceit.

Vows breached and

Seasoned with conceit.

 Hiding was destructive.

The lie became a monster. 

After the act, a coma.

Then profound sleep

Surreal inmages of the past.

Each memory underscored with pain

Forever etched in my mind.

In prison, an unfamiliar voice

Called me by name

And claimed my life as His own.

I was awakened to faith, relief.

God uses the broken.

Death isn't an issue anymore.

* * * * * * *
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ACCEPTANCE - LONG OVERDUE

By Eulie

I am in the process of whole-heartedly embracing my true identity and the value in being God’s beloved. Acceptance . . .my responsibility of my past actions . . .the person I’ve become in Christ . . .the person that I am able to visually face before the mirror, daily.

As I reflect on the roles that I’ve played; like the role of the Super-mom, Daughter, Student, Friend,

Wife, and “Mrs. Got-it-all-together-Lady all dressed up in fake smiles, I realize I was trapped in a dark castle of people pleasing and floated in a small world after all. Lies ate away at my conscience back then . . .lies.

Somewhere in my story I believed I was flawed. So lost within, I listened to the liars and morphed into characters of a devilish fairytale. My dreams of being fully loved broke down and my closest relationships malfunctioned. On the outside, I pretended. I was so put together, but in my heart I knew everything was slowly coming undone. Denial. I wanted a perfect relationship, but it was never perfect from the beginning. The warning signs were blinding my vision.

I wish I knew then what I have come to embrace now . . .the rain of truth. Perhaps my daughter would be alive today. I failed her. I was supposed to protect her, not the opposite. God forgive me.

While in college, I read poets like Henry David Thoreau. He wrote, “Most men live lives of quiet desperation and go to their grave with the song still in them.” I didn’t value the meaning of that, until recently.

In my desperation to please many, I started to lose my own sense of being. And, in the process, I started to disappear! Although others played a role in contributing to the insanity, the reality is my own hands are forever stained by the ultimate demise of my only child. If I could take anything back it would be that day – the day of the crime.

During my trial, I never once uttered a word because it was my responsibility to take the blame.  What the world tried to silence I believe Jesus is asking me to sing – now. Through God’s word, I am reminded that I am the “ Pearl of great price and the magnificent treasure hidden in the field.”

Acceptance comes when I finally believe God accepts me, forgives me, loves me. Now more than ever I am willing to take the risk to even accept myself. My audacity is that I feel safe in my own skin and no longer live in quiet desperation striving to measure up.

ON PRISON'S BED

 

 Written by Eulie

Tonight, as I sit here on prison's version of a bed
Everything seems just so right.
Winter season will soon be gone.
The rain falls gracefully
Washing all things exposed to a perfect cleanliness.
Sometimes, I wish life's trials could be washed
away so easily.

It starts with just a little drizzle, at first
To clear up all the surface stains.
And then a downpour erupts - without a moment's notice.

I could have my freedom back
if the word "granted" was stamped.
And, I could be somewhere out there
Away from burdens, free with monitored care.
Soon enough, this prison sentence must expire.

Through it all, I learned one thing.
Those things I once enjoyed could never bring
The peacefulness I now have on the inside
The joy in spirit that I can't hide.

All because I've surrendered life sentences
It's the one thing I've done right -
With the exception of repentance.

So, while I lay here on prison's version of a bed
I will soon bow my head
And say a prayer of gratitude
And petition for help to move forward
Surrendering the past into the future
And making wise choices.